{February 14, 2011}
A platform for my thoughts …
{February 14, 2011}
living a nightmare ..
Drifting around with a heavy heart,
it’s twisting and turning in torment, you want to cry out,
break free from this invisible wall that distances you from the world,
it makes you feel obsecure,
ostracising you from the world without anyone’s knowledge,
you scream, shout, screech but all efforts go to waste.
Can anyone hear me?
The fear of being left unheard is inconceivable,
I feel as if someone has knifed right through my heart and left
it in my body to feel the pain that is preposterously intolerable and never ending.
But it is not so unbearably bad when you feel lonely at times when
you’re in your own company, that is why they call it solitude rather than loneliness.
Instead it’s feeling lonely in a crowd that pierces your heart at every hurdle,
I feel like an empty soul wandering without a fate, face and identity.
It becomes difficult to cope with yourself, you approach the day with fear that might
burst unexpectedly, the absence of a soul scares you. And you ponder on your future,
your life is no longer in your hands, you are your own enemy,
how does that thought make you feel?
Do you feel a chill down your spine?
Do you feel your shadow following you?
You desperately wish to seek refuge in the company of others,
but their day to day lives with their own personal stresses seem trivial and tedious to you.
You feel desperately helpless, after all we humans are social beings and we feel the need to surround
ourselves with people, but it is difficult to hold back your silent tears in a crowd because even
though you feel alone emotionally, you’re not alone physically.
{August 3, 2011}
My life, my background, my choices
It’s just another day, a replication of yesterday and the day before, and so on. When I find myself immersed in these suffocating thoughts, they may have entered into the equation of my life over a year ago, but somehow to this hyperactive mind of mine it seems as if it was only this morning that I willingly transformed my perfectly imperfect, insignificant and harmless life into a self-imposed hell on earth.
Childhood
When i look back, I see my life as a movie, I see myself as an apologetic soul, hopping from one painful encounter to another, never complaining to another soul but my Lord, how my heart immunised itself from pain and hurt. Always believing that I deserved everything that was thrown on my plate, that I deserved to be worthless, useless, lifeless. I silently cried tears of blood and pain every day, every night, begging for a way, an escape from God, from Allah, from my savior. A shoulder to cry upon, a loving soul who’ll share my pains I endured as a child. That one day, someone, a person, a soul, a voice, an inkling of imagination will come along, who’d comfort me and say it’s going to be okay. It was all going to be okay, I was not to be blamed the way I was, it wasn’t my fault, God made me the way I am.
But somewhere deep down in the bottom of my soul, my heart, my mind, I still hold a grudge against my childhood. Why did I have to go through such a painfully isolated and alienated childhood? Why didn’t Allah make it all better for me? Why didn’t he love me. These thoughts occupied my mind constantly.
Muslims claim that I left Islam, God’s chosen way because i felt the Lord betrayed me as a child. Maybe to a certain extent this is true, how can it not be? how can one expect to not hold a grudge against the one who supposedly created you? Would you not be hurt if your mother, who reared you and kept you in her womb for nine months; didn’t love you, or care for you for no apparent reason? But to claim that this reason alone is reason enough to leave ones only guide to life is an understatement, and is terribly undermining for a human’s will to live as they please.
Background
Coming from a middle eastern background I was brought up with the typical eastern culture despite being born and brought up in the UK. Funnily enough my parents are also British and only my grandparents were immigrants back in the forties. This fact amazed me as the atmosphere me and my siblings were brought up in was alien to the geographical location we are living in. The western culture hardly influenced my family atmosphere, of course growing up in England gave us a multi cultural identity and we felt more and more inclined to feeling like typical british teenagers, rather than feeling Afghani or Pakistani.
Apostasy
Leaving Islam left me empty, hollow and worthless. Apostasising resulted in the death of my bubbly, talkative and extrovert personality, I became a stranger to myself. In the beginning when apostasy was a new concept to me and I had no place to turn to, not a single helping hand to reach out to, I bottled everything I felt and experienced deep inside my mind. This proved to be a very fatal decision, the result of this is what I am now, a bi-polar and a victim of depression. I would hope to think that I am on the road to recovery now, but positive thoughts are a rare off-chance in my life.
Being a 19-year-old university student I had the advantage of moving out of my family home when I came out to my family only recently (february 2011), however circumstances and my mental illness has forced me to become dependent on my family once again and has somehow bought me back home, and I feel as if I am back at square one, all the hard work and courage that took me to find myself accommodation as well as moving out all on my own has proven to be pointless as I’m back under my parents watchful eye.
Moving on
As I have gradually begun to live my life without the terrible influence of Islam in my life, I have become extremely emphatic towards other people’s troublesome lives. Issues that I used to defend such as evil, poverty and injustice in the world with incompatible excuses such as ”it’s a test from Allah..” are not satisfactory enough. Contradictions within Islam are so conspicuous I find it difficult to accept that muslims genuinely blind themselves towards such atrocities. Do they not see these blatantly obvious conflicts? Do they not see how Islam is just as flawed as all the other religions Islam enjoys debunking? Questions such as these swim in my mind constantly. I desperately wish to reveal the facts of life to my oh so devoted muslim family. There is harsh irony in my situation amongst many other ex muslims, I want to save my family from this dream, from this pointless devotion, I want to save them, and they want to save me from going to their fictitious hell.
What bothers and annoys me the most is the harshness and misunderstanding that muslims and generally ignorant people have of apostates. If religion is such an important aspect of your lives, we were once in your boat too, we felt the same way, so how on earth can you suggest such proposterousness that apostates leave their religion for mere worldly pleasures that religion prohibits? Religion does not succeed in prohibiting worldly pleasures, you’ll find religious people, believers and non believers with the same worldly pleasures. So to suggest that apostates are capable of leaving the most influential aspect on one’s life is a poor interpretation of understanding humanity.
{February 16, 2012}
Alas! I have arrived..
Alive is the one who awakens his soul. So get up and get going. Live life, before it slips away. Time is running out. You’re running after life. Day after day, and you don’t know where it’s hiding. Where are you lost? You don’t know who are you anymore? You are desperate to find a familiar face, but there’s no hope left. Nothing to hold or cherish no more.
Alas! I am alive, I am awake. It’s funny how on a day to day basis we think life is dragging us lower and lower into living. We feel as if time has come to a stop. Before we know it it’s 2012 already, back when I was a Muslima, I had followed the belief that time was racing on and that it was a sign of Akhirah. I still remember the time when I first found out that in 2012 we would host the Olympics and I used to think to myself that it was so far away, would I even be alive? We all have that fear of the future, thinking whether we’ll still be here or not and then the time comes and we are disappointed to find that we haven’t moved on to anything surprisingly new, still living in the same town, same country, same old family and the same old religious dogmatic tune that we’re sick off. We aren’t even awake. We sleep through life and then we wonder where those days have gone? We are breathing and we carry on without realising and without appreciating the small print of life. God is clearly a terrible creator as one of his many limitations, he seemed to have forgotten to mention a lot, for example a life manual would have been nice. And no I do not accept a holy book as a manual for the 21st century in fact it’s an understatement to call them a manual for any period of time in history.
Trying hard not to stray from today’s post, I came to realise that it had been two whole years since I apostated from the strangling ropes of Islam. My second life, the death anniversary of a Muslima ironically on my 18th birthday. 15th February 2010 was the night I finally let go off the last strings of hope in god and life unfortunately. That decision was inevitable but it was also regretted. Who in their right mind would invitingly accept the unknown and leave their safe bubble full of life, close loved ones and trust? Who could actually accept that the life they had been living was a lie? That their parents and ancestors were wrong? As much as it hurts their ego and pride, it hurts us inside too. Because we don’t want them to be wrong, we don’t want them to feel they’ve failed at life, failed to raise their child in the ‘right’ way. It tears me apart thinking how much it hurts for my own parents to have me living a life as a kafir, for them hell is reality and in their beliefs I’ll be thrown in there.
I am not only a proud living example of the results of a dangerously dogmatic and barely merciful religion but also one of the many hundreds of hidden ex Muslims, who fear for their lives and cannot fully express their reality to close ones and afar. Because we know. We have seen the light. (would you pick the blue pill or red?) Many ex Muslims have been living their lives secretively because they don’t want unnecessary drama. They don’t want to let their parents down and they continue to fill their empty voids with hope that their sacrifice is coming use to at least their parents if not anything.
These two years have gone like the wind. I look back and find that I did not realise once how long it has actually been. Obviously that is due to the fact that everyday life is a drag and hard living. Some sparingly few days can be joyous but I can count them on one hand. Contrarily, the terrifyingly low and depressive days are never ending. But I can assuredly say that I have gone through hell and back. At times it is still hell. At times I do doubt the objective of living but in comparison to the millions of starving and dying children in Africa, I fear this life might just be my best bet. Especially seeing as we have no heaven to look forward to. Better make the most of it I guess, seems my biological clock is ticking on too and that fears me more than djinns. Seriously.
Being a psychologist allows me to confirm and concur with the majority of experts who claim that leading a double life and constantly repressing one’s real identity is potentially damaging to one’s life and health. The majority of ex Muslims and apostates are heavily depressed. Some are potentially suicidal and we must tackle this problem before it’s too late. We must come out. In the past 100 years we have achieved astounding victories. We have overcome sexism against women and given them HUMAN rights. We have overcome homophobia in some parts of the west and a lot more is yet to be done and we are still battling to give them their deserved rights, the right to be HUMAN. Now we must realise that apostates are humans too. They need the same security, laws and rights as ANYONE else.
So let’s do something different today, let’s all just stop for a moment from our busy lives and reflect. Reflect on ourselves, reflect on our actions, our motives, our dreams. And then look around us, we share a beautiful world, and this world is nothing but a blue dot amid millions and millions of stars. We are insignificant in the big picture. Humble yourself, and make the change you want to see.
{January 25, 2012}
Quote: Charles Darwin / On Ignorance
{January 18, 2012}
If I died. Would you miss me?
I hate crying and not knowing why.
I hate not knowing why I’m crying.
I hate crying.
I hate not knowing.
{December 24, 2011}
Christmas message
It’s never too late to wish for a white Christmas .. #HopefulZaiba :) … Wishing you all a very warm and joyous Christmas .. Spend this special holiday with your loved ones, respect and cherish all the freat bounties of life we have, lets be grateful for once and thank the non existent god for the wonderful blessings he has showered upon us (pmsl) .. Dont be wondering too much about my sudden change of heart .. It’s important to realise festive holidays are not meant for religion only, faith or no faith, love life? Or despise it, let’s forget old woes and look forward to the future, let’s appreciate every little aspect of our lives, everything we take for granted, for the air we breathe, for the clean water that we have at our fingertips, for the education we despised as grew up, for the parents who spend day and night trying all their might to give us a comfortable life, for the humbling knowledge that the necessities of life we take do granted are not fortunately for every human and that we should work hard to make this world a better place, feed the poor, smile generously .. It’s free charity! Let’s try and eradicate our inner Scrooge and eat delish food, laugh love and live wholeheartedly, enjoy and be merry, cause tis the season to be jolly … Falalala lalalaa! ^__^ ehehe love Zaiba xxx
{November 12, 2011}
Why do they lie?
When someone says they will always be there for you. They’re lying. When someone says they’ve always got your back. They’re lying. When someone says you can trust them to stand by you like a true friend. They’re lying. When someone says they will love you unconditionally. They are lying.
“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”
They always lie. No one cares, no one loves and no one is strong enough to step outside their own little bubble to help you. No one.
“Say what you want to say when you have the feeling and the chance. My greatest regrets are the things I did not do, the opportunities missed and the things unsaid.”
Do you know why? Do you know why when you’re feeling despair and wondering why you’re sitting on your own all alone, where everyone is? You’re astonished that you’ve been scammed into trusting and believing that you’re not alone in this world. When you find that you have all these wonderful friends who say they care and act as sympathetic souls but in fact are all full of lies and betray. They appear out of nowhere when you’re rejoicing. They are full of words of wisdom yet none in action.
“A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.”
And you know that they aren’t the only ones who pretend to care. You’re the same too. You’re too busy to care what someone else is going through. You’re too immersed in your own despairs to look up and see you’re not alone in feeling alone. Everyone is lonely. No one steps outside their protective bubble and those who do tend to be broken into pieces because no one has the courage nor the strength to help someone else.
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
It’s the vicious cycle of life. Betrayal, mistrust and loneliness. You cannot prepare yourself without losing yourself. So brace yourself to face these hurdles of life.
{November 3, 2011}
The Infidel
I might be the most anti-climatic person out there regarding movies and keeping up with the celeb gossip, but I managed to watch The Infidel last night, and I must say it broke my heart with the amazing storyline. Although I have to admit I was a little wary of watching it at first because of the reviews I read and how it was “Islamophobic” and “blasphemous”, of course I should know better than to listen to a bunch of ignorant backward retards who find perfectly sane and educational movies as either of the terms I mentioned. Omid Djalili is a very talented actor, not that this is breaking news, but it deserves to be said, again. He was terribly realistic with the heart breaking scenes when his family leaves him for being born to a Jewish family. While Djalili was sitting there on the roadside crying, I began to cry too, because I knew what it felt like to be abandoned by your own family. I know how much it hurts to feel so lonely and helpless in a big bad world. Djalili was in reality acting out my life story, among hundreds if not thousands of other apostates in the world.
But if you’re not one of the lonely souls who have families abandon them, you wouldn’t have a clue about the importance of this scene, it’s not your fault you happen to believe and coincide with your family views, hence why it is not a matter of concern for you but a very few people can empathise with those unlike themselves. In the past few days I have spoken to a few people who have proven to me that most people have no regrets to be living in their own bubble undisturbed by those around them. As much as we as humans like to believe that we’re not purely selfish and that we do care and empathise with others, the truth of the fact is that just isn’t true for many of us. Nowadays, everyone is only concerned about themselves; each to their own, seems to be truer now than ever, and this is saddening because we have millions of helpless poor and deprived people on the other side of the world, the world that we are at most invisible to, the world that is known as the third world. It’s a shame that we cannot relate to others, we cannot be bothered to care nor appreciate what we have, at the very least.
This is just one of the many examples of ignorance that we, the people of the west portray all the time, without even realising it. But most importantly, the issue that The Infidel depicts is of the “Islam vs Judaism” conflict. How many times have you cringed at the helplessness of the “Palestine vs Israel” conflict? How many of you have wished that these two states could just live harmoniously together? Even if you have very little knowledge about these two religions, you would know that they are more similar to each other than conflicting. You would know that they originate from the same lineage, you would hope to believe that these two religions are in fact siblings and should be at peace with each other, rather than conflicting. Yet this just isn’t the case, unfortunately this only validates one argument, and that is the fact that religion divides nations, it does not benefit society, it creates tension and confliction, yet resolves very little.
Imagine a society without the pressures, conflicts, divisions of religion. Imagine how harmonious people among different cultures and societies would be. Religions may have their own benefits, and there is no denying that, but what use are those benefits if they encourage division rather than consensus? We have Muslms, Jews, Christians, Hindus, Sikhs, Atheists, Agnostics, Deists and so many more divisive ideologies, when in the end we’re all humans, sharing the same Earth, and have more in common with each other than differences yet we still manage to find something small and insignificant to form allies and maintain a “them and us” attitude. Why? Is it so hard to set our minor differences aside and live harmoniously? Why do we feel the need to constantly validate that we follow the “right path” and that our religion is the “only true religion” thus we need to constantly fight amongst each other and make life difficult to live rather than to enjoy and appreciate the world we live in.
Religion does not need to be impinged on others. Religion should only be to serve oneself, and each person should only be concerned with themselves regarding their religious beliefs, not to be thrust upon others.
{October 29, 2011}
Why so serious?
I just re-read my blog to make sure I had no grammatical / spelling or plain stupid mistakes, as I’m such a grammar nazi when it comes to the English language, as well as the fact that I have set out to reach an audience for once and the way I use my words matter to me, but lets not dwell much on that, as it contradicts the objective of this post – which is to eradicate seriousness. Anyhow, to my satisfaction, there wasn’t much fixing needed but I noticed that all of my blog posts had a structure to them. That is ever so amusing, cause clearly it is not intentional, I just go blabbering on about my problems and feeling sorry for myself and then BHAM in the middle I change my tone and oath to talk positively.
How funny is that? Nearly all of my posts have that structure, and bloody hell that is weird and contradictory as I always felt my blog posts reflected my inner states – which are obviously very unstable and disorganised, ergo; the fact that my blog posts have a structure, saddens me to an extent.
Yes, I’m weird, and proud. Adios.
{October 28, 2011}
New chapter, new people, new motivations …
The past few weeks have been quite a blur. Funny that, I have met some pretty amazing and influential beings that have managed to make a significant impact on my life. Meeting new people helps you open up to new things in life, and I think it is about time I move on from my depressive state and achieve all the wonderful things I have always hoped to have.
Only this morning was I thinking to myself, why am I like this? Why do I have such a difficult time coping with my life? Is it really all that bad? Truth being, no, my life is way better off than 90% of Africa’s population, I live in a very comfortable flat, I go to a well renowned university that gives me valuable education, a very supportive, caring and loving network of friends and family who love me regardless of my highs and lows, yet I still cannot allow these wonderful people in my life to lift me up from my lows and wake up every morning able to face the day’s challenges. Have I truly given up on life and it’s wonders and taken all of these treasures for granted? Boy do I need to wake up before my life really does turn for the worse. I do not want to be known as a person who is narcissistic, nor self centred. God forbid (metaphorically, seeing as there is no god, remember) if I was to lose everything I have, and all of life’s necessities taken away, how on earth will I manage then? I need to fix up big time.
Easy words, hard actions. Why is it so much easier to just wish everything to be okay? Why aren’t fairy tales real? Where’s my fairy godmother with her magic wand? I can see my happy past on the wall, I can see these content faces smiling back at me, where did I lose all those happy moments? Where have I lost myself? It’s so hard to believe that the pictures on my wall during my school days were only a couple of years ago, yet it seems like it’s been a lifetime. Seems like it’s been a lifetime since I smiled wholeheartedly, since I felt something truly in the pits of my stomach. Why have I become so empty and hollow? I don’t even feel human anymore. I can’t feel as I wish, I can’t want as I will. I can’t do anything to save myself from .. myself.
This is ridiculous. This is supposed to be about new chapters, and a new me, but I just never learn from my mistakes do I? Argh, okay enough of my soddy old depressive life, let’s talk about the wonders I’ve been through in the past few weeks. So I’ve made some new friends, through causes that we are all mutually passionate about, women’s liberation, religious freedom and all. And on these rare occasions, I have noticed that I’m not so bad at socialising as I tend to imagine I am. Inside my four walls I feel like a cold distant wimp, but surprisingly I am not hated by people. Why does that not register as a positive thing in my mind? I do not know but what I do know is that I will not allow my negative line of thought ruin my future. I just can’t, I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I will nevertheless.
Thanks to these wonderful new contacts, I also happen to have gotten the chance to meet some journalists, and meeting these social media beings, I realised that my not so unusual life story is actually pretty unusual and it is worth a lot more credit than I seem to be giving myself, people out there need to know that people like me; ex muslims, taken from the mouth of religious dogma, actually exist. Not only have I got thinking, but I might actually be up and willing to put my word out there, do my fair share to spread the truth, and allow people to realise there’s another side to religion, that many know not of.
If you’re still awake, and have managed to get to this last paragraph, I would like to personally congratulate you that you have an amazing attention span, for not only reading this tedious blog entry, but to be on this blog in the first place.
Adios.
{October 20, 2011}
And the insomniac returns …
Yep it’s been quite some time since I’ve had one of my infamous insomniac nights, where I restlessly pace the tabs of my browser, waiting, just waiting for something, anything, maybe sleep but I’ve almost grown to learn that it just never comes, it’s one of those nights where everything is useless, pointless and I’m feeling nothing but a helpless piece of sac. I fear the lonely nights. Not for the darkness. No. I love the darkness, it brings me solitude. What I fear is my deep hidden thoughts that aren’t afraid to surface no more, there’s nothing to stop them from coming out and challenge me head on. I don’t have it in me to deal with them, I just can’t come out of this denial, and as much as I know this won’t put my fears aside, I still can’t help but deny their existence, maybe sometime in the future I’ll be able to face these dark fears of my past, but I just can’t see that happening anytime soon.
Just the lone fact that I’m up at half three in the morning, has brought back chilling lonely memories of last year, when I was a closet muslim. When life was at its utmost difficult period, when I was clinging onto every hope known to mankind to not break apart any minute. I was afraid of looking in the mirror. I was afraid to meet anyone’s gaze in case someone saw the real me behind my facade. I had after all always been an open book, what made me think I could change that about me? People found out, oh they found out a lot more than they should have, but no one really stepped outside their bubble to see what was wrong, not a single soul. How incredibly lonely does that make me sound when there are over 6 billion people in the world? Not one of those 6 billion helped me.
Anyway, enough of my depressing past, enough of being let down by people, others will always let you down, I learnt that the hard way, but better late than never I suppose. I just hate that although it’s been over a year, and I want to believe that I have progressed, but if I examine closely enough I’m afriad to find that, that just might not be the case. I would crumble into dust if that was the case, I hate how fearful I’ve become, it’s so hard to accept that I was once a fearless lil girl who tried everything in life. Nothing could stop me from achieving everything, and now, *sigh* now I’m a stranger, I don’t recognise myself, I don’t recognise the face in the mirror, everything is just so changed yet it seems nothing has progressed. How did this happen to me?
I thought I was progressing, I thought I was getting back on track, but I just can’t feel the contentment inside, yeah I can see my achievements over the past few weeks by reading my prior blog entries, but they don’t feel mine, they feel so alien. How can I be so okay on a day to day routine and still feel hollow and empty inside? How is that even possible? It’s just not fair, I’ve tried everything under the sun to make myself feel better, but nothing has worked, my anti-depressants, taking time out of Uni, going on a holiday, shopping; none of this has helped me, and to think that my life wasonce so materialistic and there used to be a time when I’d do anything to go out shopping or go on a holiday. Why isn’t anything making me feel better? What more can I do? I never thought I’d take help from others, I’ve just been so egotistical, I never wanted help, but I’m on a regular therapist meeting. I never imagined myself as one of those people, what the hell has happened to me? Argh, I feel so restless, I mean here I am, in my dorm, typing furiously on my laptop in the middle of the night, I feel like a lost puppy. I want my life back.
{October 6, 2011}
Blog entré
